My Beloved Mother

be·reave·ment noun bi-ˈrēv-mənt, bē-
: the state of being sad because a family member or friend has recently died: Merriam-Webster dictionary.com

The Thoughts That Become on a Day Of Rest

Today is Tuesday, our part of the world is in the grip of cold, sleety inclement weather and we are staying at home, our businesses are closed and we are in the warmth of our family.

My heart goes out to the day workers, the homeless and the working people in the vase expanse of the prairies and the great plains, do they have the luxury of taking the time off? I wonder how they feel, how they cope…..the almighty has given them the power of endurance, they are brave, we are meek.

The more I think, the more I get lost, my little boat of thinking lost in the vast sea of reality, I see no land in all directions. I walk like an automaton and pull myself near the windows, with the hope of seeing the flakes of snow outside, in the background only the warbled music and conversations of the movie playing in our DVR, “The Butler” and the vintage images of the civil rights era now occasionally getting reflected in the glass windows!

My Rock, My Constant, My Mother.

I cannot help but think of my mother…….my gosh, it has been long 25 years since I had lost her……my doppelganger cries out: that’s quarter of a century!

I look out….scanty flakes of snow now stands bright in the background of freshly laid dark mulches in our yard, I think, “Yes that is life”. Standing out in the midst of piles of tragedy.

My mother was only 53 when she died! I wonder how she would look like today…I imagine……I imagine her hair, how would it look like? Her skin…….. would it be like the elderly women who visited me the other day for her abdominal pain? I wonder. I wonder what kind of glasses she would wear now? I wonder how she would have walked now…..did I had to help her or she would be the indomitable independent person she had been all the time……., I think and think and my doppelganger says, “Stop it!”

Reality Sets in during Real, Live, Pacing Life

The other day, I was running late for office because I had to do an emergency operation in the hospital……my mind was for my patients who are waiting……….I was rushing…..I came slamming the hidden door reserved for the doctors in the backside of the hospital. As the sudden gush of bright Texas sunshine hit me outside as I emerged from the diminished light of hospital indoor…I was smashed, my senses paralyzed, my heart stopped……..for moments though….

Right outside was an elderly lady standing with a cane…with thick eye glasses, her head had a loose scarf, she stood right in front of me with a broad smile, near the backdoor of hospital, hidden from the public view where no one normally stands……I got lost for how long? Seconds perhaps……..I thought my mother came to visit me, I thought I would cry out, I would fall in her feet right now……….. but then she disappeared, disappeared in thin air! “Who was she, I am sure I saw her” I asked in the air. But no answer.

Fact is: the simplistic definition of bereavement in the dictionary as given at the beginning does not fit the real life. My mother is always present, bereavement is someone who is always there but you cannot talk to her, you cannot touch her, you cannot see her evolving, this is bereavement. Bereavement is the spirit that watches out for you, it is the light that guides you, it is the theme song of your heart and creed, it is the value you live by.

My Message to My Mother

Mother I love you and I miss you all the time…..I miss you in my success and failure…..I miss you in the cold snowy days, I miss you in the sun-flooded summer days, I miss you when I help my patients, I miss you when I say to my friend patients, “You do not have cancer!”, I miss you when I have to give the bad news also! And I miss you the most, when I cannot pick up the phone and ask, “Mother could you please cook my favorite food the way you used to, always……..!”